Friday, February 21, 2014

I am Bob Costas's Eye Infection

I am Bob Costas’s Eye Infection

I’ll bet you never thought you’d see Bob Costas off the air. He’s your boy wonder—the Dick Clark of sports. He never ages, and he certainly never tires. He shows up dutifully every two years and he tells you about who won gold medals.

But you’ll never have to hear any of that again—at least for the time being.

Because I won. I am the greatest participant in any Olympic Games.

See, we germs have had a bet going on for a while, but none of us figured we’d be able to take down Bobby C. He’s too good. He’s beaten colds and the flu and stomach bugs.

But I don’t think he ever expected me. No one did.

Here’s what happened. You’ve heard all about the bathrooms in Olympic park, I take it. I figured I’d settle on one of the doorknobs and wait for someone to come in. After a few minutes, I felt the door open. I looked. It was one of the—is this what you call them?—curlers. So, no dice. I struck gold a little later, though, because in walked Bobby C. He sat next to the curler and said hello.

And get this, right? The curler didn’t wash his hands! So he was like:  “It was great to meet you, Bob.” And they shook! They shook! He’s doing my work for me.

Costas washed his, but man, I’m like glue. I stick. And you’ve seen the water here. It’s pretty gross.

You know that commercial where the mucus moves into the person’s lungs? Yeah, you should think of that.

So later on, Bobby C put in his contacts. It was my time. I got ready. I went right into that eye and I didn’t look back.

I showed up a few days later. He put on those glasses in order to see, and I also think it was to hide his eyes. I knew I had him. Everyone was talking about it.

So then he decided to take a few days off. I made him worse and worse. His eyes were redder than an Easy button. He had to recover.

My friends all congratulated me. They never thought it was possible, but I proved them all wrong.

I now have a new project. No one thinks I’ll be able to pull this one off, but hey—they never thought I’d be able to get rid of Costas, either.

I’m going for it. I’m contagious, man.  I can’t stop.

Look out, Lauer. You’re next.  

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